Let’s start with those freaky, five-fingered running shoes…
- Five-toed athletic footwear: If there is a stupider looking piece of sports equipment, it hasn’t been invented yet.
- The word “like”: Like when you try to tell people that you think it’s like really important to communicate clearly and you like can’t find the right words.
- The Twilight Saga: How did this lump of celluloid ennui ever get made?
- Slow-walking tourists: It’s just a squirrel, damn it…move the fuck along!
- Boxer Floyd Mayweather: He burned a $100 bill to light a cigar. Oh, and there were those multiple convictions for battering women, too.
6. Predictive autocorrect on your iPhone:
Because when you want to tell your buddies you got a cool pair of new
“Pumas,” it predicts you intended to write “Penis.” (No…I didn’t).
7. Ear and nose hair: Hello there, puff daddy.
8. People without passports:
You become an obnoxious, paranoid, ethnocentric country when only 16%
of your citizens have ever left your borders or met a foreigner outside
of the U.S.
9. Mosquitoes that begin their bombing runs just as you’re about to nod off: Little buzzing biting blood-sucking encephalitis-carrying anopheles!
10. Hermetically-sealed, welding-torch-resistant, plastic packaging: #!*&%!@#
11. Las Vegas: “If God gave the world an enema, he’d stick the hose in Las Vegas.” The truism that says it all.
12. Dog shit on the sidewalk: There’s just no good case for more pet poop where people pass.
13. Twitter in the wrong hands: Not naming any names here.
14. That f**king neighbor with the 400-decibel sound system: Does no one sleep anymore?!
15. The Koch Brothers:
Because every time a neanderthal Republican candidate with his 15th
century political views and 18th century social values gets elected, he
curtsies and swears allegiance to these two batshit Bozos.
16. Morning staff meetings (or business meetings of any kind):
Never has the creativity of so many, been slaughtered so completely, so
early in the day, by one truly sadistic corporate creation.
17. Japanese Anime: Stop pretending you like it.
18. Huge umbrellas: Those enormous circus tents that knock you off the sidewalk into the gutter. Save them for the golf course, douchebags!
19. Chopped liver: Have you ever heard anyone say, “Hey, I’m making chopped liver for dinner tonight, why don’t you stop by?” No, never.
20. Upspeak: If you don’t know what it is, ask any female millennial to explain it to you in upspeak.
21. Leaf blowers: Loud, obnoxious, and always pressed into action at dawn. Buy a rake, get some exercise, earn some callouses.
22. Those small produce stickers attached to every individual piece of fruit you buy: If the gum glue on the back of those labels is toxic, eating fresh fruit just lost its health benefits.
23. That one pair of underwear that always slides up your butt crack: The pair you don’t realize you’re wearing until you’re already on the bus headed to work.
24. Bokwa Exercise Classes: The latest fitness trend will be gone before you can say “Look, I’m dancing the letters of the alphabet with my feet!”
25. Henna tattoos: Yeah, I get it, you went to a Hindu wedding. Now go wash up.
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