The demise
of our culture will result from the demise of its men if something isn’t
changed quickly. Far too many men remain directionless, devastated and
scared children.
Much has been said and written in recent years about the challenges of men and boys. A sampling of book titles includes:
A
common theme is that men and boys have become increasingly confused
about their identity and role in society. Kay Hymowitz, author of Manning Up, put it this way:
“It’s
been an almost universal rule of civilization that whereas girls became
women simply by reaching physical maturity, boys had to pass a test.
They needed to demonstrate courage, physical prowess, or mastery of the
necessary skills. The goal was to prove their competence as protectors
of women and children; this was always their primary social role. Today,
however, with women moving ahead in an advanced economy, provider
husbands and fathers are now optional, and the character qualities men
had needed to play their role — fortitude, stoicism, courage,
fidelity — are obsolete and even a little embarrassing.”
It
is the norm in Hollywood films, TV and cable shows, and even commercials
to portray men as incompetent, immature, or self-absorbed. This
underlying message has subtly and increasingly become the collective
unconscious with devastating repercussions.
Academically, it is reported in the United States that:
- Girls outperform boys now at every level — from elementary school through graduate school.
- By eighth grade, only 20 percent of boys are adept in writing and 24 percent adept in reading.
- Young men’s SAT scores in 2011 were the lowest they’ve been in 40 years.
- According
to the National Center for Education Statistics (NCES), boys are 30
percent more likely than girls to drop out of both high school and
college.
- In 2017, women will earn more than 60 percent of bachelor’s and more than 63 percent of master’s degrees.
- Boys make up two-thirds of students in special education remedial programs.
Women deserve the increased success they are getting. They’ve been oppressed for far too
long. They’re hungrier and more motivated than most men. And hopefully
society will continue to allow them the increased equality they deserve.
However,
this article’s focus is on helping the struggling and confused young
man. Indeed, many young men have taken the adverse cues of society as an
excuse to evade responsibility and never really grow up.
If you are a young man and you’re struggling, you are
not alone. This article is intended to challenge you to rethink your
entire approach to life. If applied, these habits will radically set you
apart from the decaying norm.
1. Think Beyond Yourself
Kids
look to their parents for all the answers. When they become teenagers
they know all the answers. Many never mature out of this stage and
remain incredibly narcissistic, which is displayed in
the following ways:
- Believing you are better than others
- Exaggerating your talents or gifts
- Expecting constant praise and admiration
- Failure to recognize other people’s emotions or feelings
- Expressing disdain for those who seem inferior
- Trouble keeping healthy relationships
- Acting as if you have nothing to learn
Moving beyond self-consciousness requires an increase in overall consciousness.
By
heightening your level of consciousness, you’ll see the brilliance of
humanity in general, be able to relate deeper with others, experience
greater joy, and have enhanced ability to manifest the destiny of your
choosing.
- Allow
yourself to experience your feelings, rather than block them out.
Meditation is a helpful way to do this. You experience your thoughts and
feelings, learn from them, then let them go.
- Let
go of framing your idea of what should be and genuinely accept what is.
The journey is the end, not simply a means to an end.
- Identify
the meaningless things to which you’ve assigned meaning. Happiness and
security can never be experienced when dependent on the external — they
can only be achieved internally.
- Begin
trusting your inner voice. If you feel a prompting to bring an umbrella
with you, even when the weather report says the contrary, bring it.
- Explore the world, experience new cultures, and have your paradigm shaken and reframed.
- Question your own intentions and motivations.
- Be humble about your own humanity.
- Act with love, and become aware when you are not.
2. Stop Playing Video Games
Naturally, boys have a strong need for accomplishment and challenge. Yet, studies suggest
that some of the most popular video games are disengaging boys from
real-world pursuits. Boys’ need for accomplishment is satisfied by
“leveling up” in the game; so they don’t feel the need to go out into
the world and solve real problems. Thus, society is not being served by
their efforts.
Gaming often gets in the way of important relationships or meaningful life pursuits.
15 percent of divorces are filed by women because their husband prefers video games over them.
This
point is particularly significant to me. I myself spent a large portion
of my time in junior high and high school playing World of Warcraft.
Literally thousands of hours logged-in and lost.
I
see many of my high school friends and family members who are now in
their late 20’s and 30’s continuing to play 4+ hours of video games per
day — even when married with kids.
Playing video games is being touted as a “healthy” way to escape reality. Yet, one must ask: Is escaping reality (especially for extended periods of time) ever healthy?
The need for achievement and challenge can be accomplished in real life. You can “level-up” the real you while simultaneously solving social problems.
3. Learn In Healthy Environments And Lay-Off The Meds
The
industrial classroom model is killing our boys. It is not a healthy
environment for them. Young boys need more physical stimulation.
The
result is that many are improperly and lazily diagnosed with ADHD.
Their natural characteristics, emotions, passions, and gifts are being
curbed by medications.
Although
it is not a popular notion, boys and girls are wired differently. Girls
are often exclusively motivated by praise. They will perfect their
handwriting just to have it noticed.
Boys on the
other hand, are often motivated by tangible experiences that relate to
real life. Thus, many boys see no point in having good handwriting if
one day they will spend their time typing. They don’t care as much what
other people think. They just want to be challenged.
4. Get Intensive Physical Stimulation
Short and intensive learning spurts,
followed by rigorous physical stimulation
is a powerful and positive way for boys and men to learn.
Rough-and-tumble play helps develop the frontal lobe of the brain, which
is used to regulate behavior. Sadly, many public schools are removing
gym class and recess, further exacerbating problems among boys.
If you’re living a sedentary life as a man, you’re not getting the needed stimulation
you need.
Research has found that males thrive in kinesthetic learning environments — learning through moving.
Healthy Testosterone Levels
Intensive
physical activity, like sprinting or heavy weight lifting (followed by
extended rest periods) are a good outlet for men’s need of physical
stimulation. Moreover, these intensive physical activities can activate
healthy levels of testosterone which produce many positive
effects — including:
- Fat loss
- Muscle gain
- Healthier bone density
- Normalized blood pressure
-
- Lower likelihood of obesity and heart attacks
- Increased energy
- More enjoyment of career and family
- Feeling younger, stronger, sexier, and healthier
- Healthy sex drive
Studies have found that healthy testosterone levels affect men’s cognitive performance, and can improve focus, motivation, and memory.
The Need For Physical Pain
Interestingly,
boys and girls experience pain differently. For boys, physical pain can
be a stimulant fueling mental clarity. On the other hand, physical pain
for girls can be a narcotic, making them feel hazy and confused.
I’ve
seen this in myself. Some of my greatest insights have come while
pushing myself to the extreme while doing yard work or while exercising.
This phenomenon is also seen in endurance athletes who push themselves through pain for many hours at a time.
5. Take Responsibility For Your Life And Set Your Standards High
In his book, Boys Adrift, Dr. Leonard Sax explains that boys need — not want — to be responsible. If they are not needed, they don’t flourish.
Men
step down if they’re not needed. And because of society’s message that
men are no longer needed, many are staying in their parents basements.
Although
most men will not go out of their way to take on challenges and
responsibility, this is the very thing they should do if they want to
thrive. Indeed, it is becoming common knowledge that perception is
followed by physical experience in the form of self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you believe you will succeed, you often do
If you set
your sights high in life, you will achieve incredible things. In order
to do this, you can no longer play the victim to circumstances. Blaming
the world, your parents, school, or the challenges you’ve faced in life
is not going to solve your problems. It’s going to keep you stuck and
bitter.
Instead, take the time to imagine and mentally create your ideal life. Mental creation always precedes physical creation.
You
have the inner power to create whatever life you want to achieve. All
you have to do is spend the time creating that world with intention.
Write down exactly what you want in life. Set your standards ridiculously high. Don’t hold anything back.
Read,
rewrite, and reread your ambitions often. These will soon consume your
subconscious mind creating new patterns in your brain. Eventually,
you’ll manifest the world you’ve been creating in your head.
6. Prayer, Meditation, And Journal WritingChristianity,
Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, and every other religious and
spiritual tradition strongly stress the significance of regular prayer.
Although the form of practice may be different, the purpose is the
same: — -
- Gratitude
- Inspiration
- Self-realization
- Deepened connection to God/existence
- The improvement of humanity as a whole
Prayer (and modifications such as meditation and gratitude journals) are
regularly found to increase physical and mental well-being.
For
me, I often combine prayer with journal writing as a form of
meditation. I seek inspiration, direction, heightened perspective, and
gratitude.
- Improves self-control
- Makes you nicer
- Makes you more forgiving
- Increases your trust
- Offsets negative health effects of stress
People
are often turned-off by prayer, believing it is a strictly “religious”
practice. Even if organized religion is not your thing, you can still
have a positive and healthy relationship with prayer.
7. Earn Good Friends
You
are who you surround yourself with. There’s no way around it. If you
want to evolve past your current state, you need to remove yourself from
the negative forces in your life. This will not be easy. Misery loves
company.
However,
when you decide to remove yourself from negative people — and instead
surround yourself with people who uplift and inspire you — your life
will dramatically improve.
Take
the leap. Invite your friends to come along with you. If they don’t
understand your needed evolution, kindly bid them a loving farewell.
8. Commit Fully To Someone
“We’re
supposed to believe that relationships tie people down, that they are
the death knell for creativity and ambition. Nonsense.” — Ryan Holiday
With all the productivity and success advice going on in the world today,
very little is written about the benefits of finding a spouse who supports you and makes you better.
It
is quite rare for people to stay committed to anything or anyone these
days. There are countless fatherless children. Many seek easy sexual
prey followed by the internal pit of emptiness — too afraid to reveal
and confront their true identity.
Research has found
that committed relationships can reduce the chance of illness and
increase the length of life. Other benefits of long-term commitment in
relationships include:
- Greater sense of life satisfaction
- Increased happiness
- A host of practical benefits, such as shared assets and children
- Less likely to engage substance-abuse
- Decreased likelihood of depression and neglect of one’s health
“Choose your love, love your choice.” — Thomas Monson
I
got married at age 24. I’ve never felt restrained by that decision,
only liberated. Now 29, we have three foster children, what most would
consider a huge blow to our freedom.
This could
not be further from the truth in my experience. Instead, I’m challenged
to become a better person every day. I’m challenged to think beyond my
own needs and to learn patience, humility and love.
I
would never make such monumental decisions without prayer, fasting,
meditation, and journaling. However, when you’re in a state of clarity,
you can follow your intuition and consistently make good decisions. As
Malcom Gladwell expounds in “Blink,” snap decisions are often more accurate than well-thought-out ones.
Of
course marriage isn’t easy. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But
why choose the easy path? As a man, challenge and responsibility is
precisely what is needed to thrive.
9. Fall In Love With Learning
Ordinary people seek entertainment. Extraordinary people seek education and learning. We now live in a world where you no longer need to go to college (or high school) to become educated. At your fingertips is an unlimited and ever-increasingly well of information. You can become an expert at anything.
Many
of the world’s most successful people attribute their success to a love
for learning. They often read one or more books per week. With a few
books, you can learn how to build wealth, healthy relationships, and the
life of your dreams.
With
more information and education, you will make better lifestyle choices.
You’ll be less likely to have destructive addictions and make ignorant
decisions.
You’ll
be more likely to surround yourself with brilliant people, learn new
languages and explore the world, come up with solutions to the world’s
problems, and have passion and zest for life.
Stop gaming and start reading. The real world awaits. And it’s amazing.
10. Take Bigger Risks
“Don’t fail by default.” — Richard Paul Evans
Richard
Paul Evans, the famous writer, often tells a story of being a shy high
school kid. In one of his classes, he sat next to the girl of his
dreams. He spent an entire year wishing he could work up the courage to
ask her out. But he never ended up talking to her.
“Why would she be interested in a loser like me?” he would say to himself.
A few years later, at a high school reunion, they met and talked.
“I just have to ask: Why didn’t you ever ask me out?” she asked. “I always liked you and hoped you would talk to me.”
Evans was shocked.
He
had been wrong that entire time and missed the opportunity he spent
over a year dreaming about. In that moment, he determined to never fail by default again.
“If I’m going to fail, I’m going to fail big,” he has said. “If I fail, I’m going to fail after giving it everything I’ve got.”
Stop playing life small. Date people that seem absurdly out of your league. They’re not — only in your head.
Don’t
be conservative in your career until you’re in your 40’s. There is
little risk while you’re young, energetic, and motivated. Now is the
time to take huge risks. Embrace rejection and failure. In turn, embrace
enormous and unimaginable success.
Conclusion
You can have whatever life you choose.
Don’t be afraid to dream big for yourself.
Have the courage to seize that life and truly live, rather than only imagining living.The world needs you.
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